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Be Curious About What Scares You

How my collision with a life-coaching company changed my path.

A year ago I was a different person.

My daily life was dimming my light, draining my creativity, and slowly killing me from the inside out. I felt boxed in. Trapped. I didn’t know why. I had everything I thought I wanted.

I was successfully working in television at ABC Studios in Los Angeles. I had sacrificed a lot and worked so hard for so many years to achieve this success. I was working with people who genuinely supported me and thought I could do great things. I was sitting at table reads for some of the most popular, award-winning, television shows — surrounded by producers, writers, actors, and directors that I admired — and I repeatedly thought, “This isn’t what you want to do. Something isn’t right. You don’t belong here.”

I still smiled and told stories that made people laugh. I still worked incredibly hard every day. The disconnect between my internal voice and my external behavior was confusing, infuriating and depressing. There was an added layer of shame that I was so deeply unhappy when I had so much.

What was wrong with me?

Who was I to want something more?

What did “more” even mean?

I felt like I was sleepwalking through life and numb to everything. I was utterly lost, but simultaneously giving confident direction to others as part of my job. It was a cruel joke.

I would often twitch or roll my eyes at most expression of feelings. I didn’t want to engage in any of those conversations. I was someone that smiled a lot and made others feel instantly comfortable, but I rarely allowed myself to feel joy and I was uncomfortable in my own skin.

I was desperate to try anything to change how I was feeling, and eventually tried meditation. My meditation studio, The Den in LA, was participating in a wellness event (by a company known at the time as SHFT, but now known as JRNI) called Awake. I had no previous knowledge of JRNI, but I showed up. I found myself terrified of the kind people who so openly talked about self-improvement, self-love, self-care, their relationship to self and others. I was constantly 30 seconds away from fleeing in a blind panic, but I stayed.

Something within me made me stay, and now I know it was a pivotal moment on my journey.

One workshop in particular really struck a chord with me. Several points of discussion felt ripped from my journal or my internal dialogue. Those ugly statements that I wouldn’t dare speak out loud were not only stated as fact by a professional, but readily accepted as normal by a room of 20 people. I was shocked. And curious. It planted a seed.

It took a couple more weeks before I started listening to John Kim and Noelle Cordeaux’s free webinars on what it means to be a life coach (or “Catalyst” as JRNI calls them). I would literally cry at moments. Some small piece of what they were describing sounded like me, but I didn’t think I wanted to be a life coach.

I did want to learn about positive psychology and communication. I did want to know why my body reacted with tears when I heard these leaders speak. I did want a different way forward. I did want to carve time out of my very busy life to explore why I was so utterly unhappy. I wanted change. I wanted to feel proactive in solving the disconnect between my external life and my internal sadness and devastating emptiness.

I waited until the absolute last minute to sign up for the Catalyst Coaching Intensive. My hands and voice were shaking when I did my introductory call with Noelle about whether the course was a good fit for me, but I answered the call.

On November 13, 2016, I started the Catalyst Coaching Intensive, and it drastically changed my life.

I share this with you on November 11, 2017 from a beautiful Nashville apartment. I am currently pursuing my passion to contribute to authentic storytelling through music. I regularly practice gratitude, compassion, self-love and meditation. I make time to fuel my creativity, and I make choices that are in alignment with my internal compass. I practice setting boundaries and celebrating my self-worth.

Friends that have known me for decades comment on how I’ve changed. My vocabulary and perspective on life has changed. Not all days feel like I’m winning, but I’m certainly living and no longer sleepwalking. Change is f*cking difficult and often painful. I’ve lost contact with some loved ones who didn’t support this new chapter, but I’ve gained a community of Catalysts that absolutely support me on every step of this journey.

Catalysts give me steadfast encouragement to find my way forward in my most vulnerable moments.

They created a space for me to explore what I wanted my life to be. They let me say out loud that I wanted to quit my stable and glamorous job to move cross-country to a new city with no job, apartment, friends or family waiting for me at the end of the drive. They continued to gently ask when I would take action until I made it happen. They celebrated my brave decision to uproot my life and build something new. They believed I could keep stepping forward when I wanted to give up. They were the people I trusted when I couldn’t process what the f*ck I felt after surviving being in the audience during the Las Vegas mass shooting. They were there. No judgment. Sending love. Virtually standing beside me and believing that I would find my way back from that darkness.

Catalysts are my people, and I didn’t even know them a year ago.

Or you can join us.

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