From Porn to Divorce

When I was in my youth, I found myself battling the idea of porn. Is it ok? Is it not ok?

While attempting to figure out if it was “ok”, by my moral standards, I didn’t particularly find any fault with it. I even used the Bible as a reference and, at that time, I didn’t really see anything that was “definitely” against it. However, something said I wasn’t looking hard enough.

Nonetheless, I still found no fault. I would research “is porn bad” or “does the Bible say porn is bad” and nothing ever said it was bad. Or, maybe I would brush off that 1 article condemning because the references weren’t “exact”. I’d continue to read articles justifying porn, I listened to friends who spoke good things about it and I thought it was all ok. So I freed myself from any guilt of watching porn. By the way, this was “confirmation bias”. Be weary of it.

I went on doing porn. I always thought porn was pretty good actually. Kept me from chasing after women. I didn’t have to an urge for any risky encounters, messy situation-ships or desires to cheat on any woman I may have been with.

Everything was great. The body part was healthy. I saved money by not going out and meeting real women. I was even more focused on health and work.

Then, I met the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and, WE GOT MARRIED. There was only 1 problem. After some time of having sex, I noticed that I couldn’t really climax. She could but I wouldn’t. I’d just end up stopping at some point. I then would wait til she fell asleep to finish off my part. No harm no foul right?

Then I noticed I had to think about pornstars to even get aroused. I might even climax when I did this. Great right? Every man’s dream… to basically control when I climaxed.

Soon enough my wife starting telling me that she could see I didn’t love her. She said it was the look in my eyes when having sex. I thought nothing of it and I just said I loved her. Then, there were days I couldn’t even “get up”. No matter how much I thought of pornstars or worked myself up, I simply couldn’t aroused. This devestated her and my self-image and confidence. She was torn apart believing I just wasn’t attracted to her.

And you know what… I wasn’t! She was literally a gorgeous Russian model and I wasn’t even attracted to her. I had flooded my mind with so many images of disgusting things over the years that I couldn’t even be aroused by the most beautiful women I ever met. I loved her but I couldn’t make love to her.

It even started to get difficult to get aroused by porn. When I started, all it took was a “BET after dark” music video to get me going. But, soon it took more. The more I did it, the more grotesque images I needed to see. Closer to the end of this nightmare I started getting into more violent porn. It took the sight of multiple men ravaging a young woman without any hint of sensuality or compassion to get me aroused. The images I saw were pure violence but that’s what it took.

By this time erectyle dysfunction was in full effect and I was hopeless. Eventually, she left me for another man and my self esteem was crushed. All because I listened to someone say that porn is ok.

No one knows what their weakness is until they are smack dab in the midst of the consequences.

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