Time Is Killing You

We all getting older each day

Two months ago I moved to Paris.

It was a last-minute decision and I came with no expectations or a solid plan.

I thought I will be there for a short time, so I did almost nothing every day besides waiting for the next chapter of my life.

I killed time.

The funny thing is I always thought I am not the kind of person who can wait and do nothing.

I’ve always been very hyperactive, can’t really sit at home for too long, will always find something to do out there.

Something changed. But I can’t tell what is it.

And that change is bad.
Bad for me
Bad for my relationship
Bad for the people around me

Just by sitting there and killing time, I am losing who I am.

Everything happened slowly so I didn’t really feel until I woke up one day at 17:00 and realized I did nothing today that made me feel good or gave me some value.

I felt bored and empty.

I tried to fill that space with the wrong actions, I tried to suck some happiness from my partner.

The truth is, my partner can’t be the only source of my happiness.

We both will get tired and bored.

And I am not even talking about the pressure it brings.

I have to create my own happiness. I have to find happiness in the things I do.

It is kind of ironic since I know this is the main reason my previous relationship worked so well for many years.

I always tried to follow this rule before.

I traveled, learned, worked, celebrated, and did many things I wanted to do by myself. And every night I came back to our bed, I felt like I have a lot to give to my partner and share with him. And it made me feel more in love.

Currently, I am in Tel Aviv and my partner is in London.

In the beginning, I was afraid to take this time apart.

I even thought about surprising him by showing up at the airport in Paris, at the same time he was supposed to land back and take him from there right away on a new adventure in a place he had never been before.

But very fast I realized it may be a bad idea. I may need to let go, relax and release some pressure.

The idea is nice, but is it what HE really needs now? what does HE really want?
Is this what I need now?

As long as time pass, I feel like I couldn’t give anything better than this to myself.

It is not just the time apart that made me realize so many things, but it is also the fact I am outside Paris.

I have a lot of time to reflect, think and learn.
To reconnect me.
Finding again my focus.

Ever since I am here, I met few people who care about me, I was lying at the beach and oversight about my life in Paris, I read every night and it feels like I am on the right way to find my focus again.

My mindset changed and still changing here.

I know I will be back a different person with different needs and wills to Paris.

I am going to do something with my time instead of letting this time to kill me.
There is no other option.

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